Bondage and Discipline seems to have a little stigma attached to it but that may be one of the attractions; it’s taboo. When properly understood it becomes just another form of foreplay. Many women like the bondage part, where they are tied up and made love to. It is an exaggerated form of surrender. Being made helpless so that the Dominant can do to them what they really want done to them. It’s like getting permission to be bad.

There are times when today’s women want to be in charge and tell the man what they want in lovemaking and there are other times when they just want to be ‘done.’ In the B&D scenario, the women get to put on very sexy, alluring costumes and be outrageous. Then they are tied up in ways that expose their bodies and made love to in a somewhat different manner. It’s easy for a woman to fantasize about that.

The discipline part is a little different in that it usually involves some sort of pain. A lot of women may not relate to pain, in general, or may only enjoy a very mild slap on the butt, or the titillation of a soft flogger.. Others might enjoy a more intense sensation. The degree of pain is determined by the Submissive, and is usually by spanking or flogging. What the pain does is heighten her sensual awareness to her skin responses and brings her into her body. It also acts as a focal point to bring both of the players totally into the moment. When someone is flogging you, your mind is not wandering off. It is completely focused on the sensations. When the Dom is doing the flogging, he must pay careful attention to his actions so as not to cause more pain than his woman wants.

For many who play in the B&D game, the implements used are more designed for pleasure than pain. The playroom imbues a special atmosphere that has only one meaning, playful sexual gratification The floggers, a whip with many strands, can be made from soft suede-like materials such as deer skin and feel more like a caress than a beating. Clips and clamps that can be adjusted are used to heighten sensations on sensitive nipples and labia. Wearing costumes and getting out the toys and equipment are others facets that add anticipation and build excitement. The scene is much more about sensation and connection than pain and suffering..

I had a partner who liked to play bondage games. She even liked a little pain, not too much, just enough to awaken her senses. We had all the costumes and toys, light whips and floggers, leather cuffs, chains for binding. We even had a hook in the ceiling joist that we could use. We didn’t do suspension because it’s too hard on shoulder joints, but we did use spreader bars to hold the arms up and the legs open.

Another aspect of B&D games is the idea that Submissive has the complete attention of the dominant, knowing that his intention is to give her great pleasure. She dictates what is done and how it is done. The Dominant may do some things that surprise the Submissive, but if that exceed her limits, she can use a safe word (like in the book) and the scene stops.

Do you want to play B&D games? If so, you have to be a good lover and know how to do B&D without hurting or turning off your partner. It takes some training and practice, like anything else. You can’t just pick up a flogger and start whaling away.

The challenge is that some men think they know what they are doing but in fact they do not, and don’t have the smarts to ask a woman what she really wants.. In a survey, 85% of men thought they were good to great lovers, while only 15% of the women agreed with them. One of the attractions of Fifty Shades of Grey is the fact that Christian Grey, the romantic hero, is a highly experienced and skilled lover, who was actually trained by a woman. He aims to and knows how to please. The caveat here is that although you can be trained by one woman that does not mean the same techniques will work for another woman, since each woman is different. However, the basics are the same.

Experienced players in the B&D game will often negotiate a scene before they start to play. This make take some of the spontaneity out of the scene but can prevent hurt feelings or hurt bodies.

After the partners have played together for a period of time they learn each other’s ways and the game can be more spontaneous. If you’re going to try this, best to start slow and work up to the more intense sensations

Fictional novels may not be the best training aid, but they can get those fantasies going. There are a number of books and videos on how to do B&D. The bottom line is that it’s all about connection. The Dom has to be completely connected to the Sub, conscious and aware of everything she is feeling in every moment. If he is trustworthy and the she trusts him, she can let go completely and be carried off to ecstasy. What fun.

If you did lose sight of the flight leader, it was even more dangerous because you might run into him before you could turn away. As they used to say, “A mid-air collision can ruin your whole day.” So the only alternative was to break away or tuck it in closer and fly for all you’re worth. Nobody wanted to be the candy-ass who broke away. Our fighter pilot pride was at stake. An interesting thing would happen. As you got closer in to the leader, you began to go through the turbulence as one unit and the flying actually got a little easier.

Relationships can be like that sometimes. You try to avoid the rough spots but sometimes you just have to go through them. If you move in closer to your partner you may find the going actually gets a little easier. Turning away is a last resort situation.

When Judith does something that really upsets me, my instinctive reaction is to turn away from her or retaliate. When I can take a minute and breathe, I remember that I’m not going to make things better by breaking away. I’ve found that when I can get me ego out of the way and ask myself that most important question, “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?” things seem to smooth out a lot quicker.

Hang in there and do the work and you’ll come out the other side feeling proud of yourself.

As women and great lovers know, a good way to step up the sizzle is by building the foreplay. This develops the sexual intensity for women, which always pays big dividends. Ladies, ask him if he will give you a foot rub, back rub or shoulder rub to help get things started. Be sure to acknowledge him what he is doing right and ask for a change when you want something different. Telling him how you liked it when he did it a certain way will encourage him to do more of that and you’ll both have fun.

Variety is a great way to tune up the ardor in your love life. One of the great things about flying fighters was the variety of things we had to do. It never got boring. Make a list of all the things you like to do. You can rotate through them. Here are a few suggestions:

• Put down a beach towel and slather each other in massage oil. Roll around and feel the silky smoothness of flesh on flesh.
• Try a blindfold, or some fur lined bondage cuffs.
• Take it a step further with a soft suede flogger that feels more like a massage than a whip; great stimulation.
• Do a half day get away in a hot sheet hotel.

How do you sizzle up the sex?

What are you thinking about?