Table of Contents

Preface

Chapter 1. Intro to Magical Sex

• Say yes to magical sex and begin the quest to find it
• Going from the Sexual Revolution to Sexual Evolution
• Is this like Tantra?
• Magical sex makes everything better
• Learn why men need this and how women can coach them
• From ordinary sex to amazing sex
• Discover Sex Magick
• Unlock the power of the four steps
• Create a vision for your love life
• How to make your sex practice a spiritual practice
• How practicing sex is more fun than practicing almost anything else

Chapter 2. Communication for Lovers

• In To Me You See Leads To Magical Sex
• Use these rituals and tips to deepen intimacy
• Find out how limbic resonance will strengthen your bond
• Learn how to get what you want in the bedroom
• Ways to create a loving conversation about loving sex
• What’s the pay-off for all this? You’ll be excited when you find out

Chapter 3. Male Orgasm Training

• Learn step-by-step how men can have multiple orgasms and prolong orgasm
• How to handle Premature Ejaculation

Chapter 4. Step 1: Pre-Play

• What exactly is Pre-Play?
• How to set up Pre-Play for a magical sexual experience
• Make Date Night romantically erotic
• Calendar sex – really
• Finding desire
• Setting the scene
  • Sex Magick ceremony preparation
• Getting in tune for magical sex
  • How deepening the connection leads to magical sex
  • Non-verbal communication that gets your juices flowing
• Physical movements to get you both connected and present in your bodies

Chapter 5. Step 2: Fore-Play

• Fabulous Fore-Play to fan the flames of arousal and create desire
• Learn techniques to build the highest arousal for powerful magic
  • Step by step techniques for arousing a woman
  • Don’t forget the lube
  • Turning on the man
• What about bondage?
  • Agreements
  • Setting the stage
  • Costumes
  • Bondage play
• How orgasm becomes a spiritual experience

Chapter 6. Step 3: The-Play

• Why oral sex for woman is so important
  • How to learn what turns her on the most
  • How to read her level of arousal
  • Using breath to connect
  • Getting her to orgasm and extending it
• Oral sex for men
• Oral sex scenarios
• Techniques for partner intercourse
  • Using different position for different effects
• How to use breath to heighten sexual connection

Chapter 7. Step 4: After-Play

• How to use this special bonding time and deepen your loving connection
• Learn how to use Sex Magick to manifest your deepest desires
• Special Sex Magick ceremonies

Chapter 8. Sex After Fifty

• About men over fifty
  • Help for andropause
  • Low or no sexual desire
  • Sex practices for men after fifty
  • Common male issues that can be resolved
• About women over fifty
  • Peri-menopause and menopause
  • Will she want sex
  • Hormone replacement therapy
  • Low libido

Appendix I Anatomy

• Learning the secrets of her lady parts to have magical sex
• How to get his magic wand to make magic

Appendix II Pre-Play exercises.

• Physical exercises that bring you into the moment
• Spiritual exercises to connect you to your lover

Appendix III Fore-Play Techniques

• Extensive list of techniques for women and men to practice and experiment with

I’ve been passionate about writing this book for over 35 years, and I’m so excited to share it with you. Sexual fulfillment came late to me because I grew up in a sexually repressed environment. After leaving a passionless marriage in my forties, I had something of a spiritual awakening and began an intensive study of love, sex and relationship. I read every book I could find and studied with teachers from Europe, India and the U.S., including a Native American Shaman.  Wow! That opened a whole new world for me.

I always had this sense that sex could be very spiritual and the more passionate it was, the more spiritual it was. I would get random experiences of the “Oh My God” sex but couldn’t predict when it was going to happen and didn’t yet know how to make it happen on a regular basis.

As I continued my study and training, I was able to get to that place more frequently, but still not on what I would call a sustainable, repeatable experience. Then I met my wife, Judith, and I found I was able to match what I had learned to what she had learned – not just about sex, but about how to communicate and connect, how to treat each other and love. It was and is Magic.

Service is a key value that she and I share. That’s why I was a fighter pilot, and why I have coached love, sex and relationship for 30 years.  Judith has been a successful personal, career and relationship counselor and coach in Los Angeles for over 40 years.  We are both dedicated to helping others improve their lives, just as we have improved ours. So, of course, we’d want others to benefit from everything we know about how to create Magical Sex.

Judith has been my biggest supporter, editor, critic, and not to mention, best lover. She kept reading and suggesting and contributing. I truly appreciate all she did to make this the best book it could be.

I loved writing this book. It kept me turned on about our relationship, our life, and certainly our love making. My deepest wish is that you get as much enjoyment and ecstasy from this book and what’s in it as I did.

– Frank

Chapter 1

Introduction

What is Magical Sex?

There truly is magic in sex. You know it when it happens — it’s when you feel that complete connection to your partner, and you’re not sure where you end and they begin. You’re both in that mystical place, beyond space and time, and afterward you say something like, “My god. That was amazing!”

Then again, it’s not always easy to get to that level of ecstatic transcendence.

If you want that magic on a repeatable and sustainable basis, there are some things you can do to keep that magic in your life. To begin with, there’s magic in your deliberate intention to have your love life be magical.

When you know the process, the magic is more likely to occur.

The most important part of the magic comes from the connection to your lover.

So often, couples say that after the first year or so, “the magic went out of their love life.” It simply went? Or did they let it go? There is a difference.

We found that those couples started taking their love life for granted and stopped doing all the things that they used to do to make it magical.

A key element in having a lot of that magical sex is having a good, functioning, romantic relationship. The more intimate you are as a couple, the more high levels of ecstasy and fulfillment are available to you. The deeper your connection to your partner, the more likely you are to create a mind-blowing, magical sexual experience.

How intimacy leads to magic

A good start is to learn ways to deepen the level of intimacy, not just sexual intimacy but your intimate connections on all levels. Stop for a minute and remember the beginning of your relationship.

Recall that time when you would do almost anything for your lover.

Think of the caring and nurturing feelings you had back then.

Now think about that level of sensitivity and responsiveness to each other’s emotional state that you had, and how you can bring that back.

Look for ways to touch, caress and kiss, whenever, and wherever possible. That physical connection triggers the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and you will find yourself more deeply in love. When that feeling and connection are carried into the bedroom, the magic happens

Life, too, happens, and we get caught up in all the things and situations we have to deal with in our lives, losing sight of the thing that matters most to us: our relationship.

On a personal note, I have to tell you this wasn’t easy for me either. I was an arrogant fighter pilot who knew it all, and you had to do it my way. The truth was, I knew almost nothing… about sex and relationship.

My biggest concern was scoring and getting my rocks off. I did pick up some techniques that seemed to make some women happy, but the truth is, I was an amateur.

Sex was important to me, and when relationship after relationship didn’t seem to work out, I thought about what the common denominator was, and it was me. So, I started to study and research. I found teachers from all over the world and worked with a shaman for over 15 years. I read every book I could find, and it seemed like I made some progress. I learned that I had to heal all my old wounds from childhood and other relationships that were getting in my way, and change some false beliefs that were keeping me some having a truly intimate relationship

Is this Tantra?

Then I met my wife, Judith at a Tantric ceremony. In case you didn’t know, Tantra is an ancient Hindu or Buddhist teaching involving rituals, yoga, disciplines and meditations. Neo-Tantra is what is most commonly practiced in modern cultures and takes the word Tantra to mean a weaving. In this case, it’s a weaving of male/female energy and sexuality into everyday life. Tantra embraces the concept of loving sex as a spiritual practice.

Judith and I clicked immediately and began a relationship that made our sex life a spiritual practice. We were able to use all the studies we each had, and we created the kind of love life I’d always dreamed of.

While it is important to know lovemaking techniques, the real key is in the connection on as many levels as possible: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. The whole purpose is to create the kind of intimacy that is deep and fulfilling, where you know and feel your partner and your partner knows and feels you, and you trust each other completely. Once the connection is there, then you can use the techniques you know to take it to even higher levels of magical bliss.

Fighter pilots and lovers

With all that study and practice in the area of sex and relationships, I began to see some parallels to what I had learned and experienced as a fighter pilot. I’ll use that comparison all through this book.

Men may (although not necessarily) relate to my fighter pilot analogy more than women, unless those women happen to be fighter pilots, so ladies, please do read on. I’m writing as though I’m talking to a guy, but the information is meant for both men and women.

I loved flying jet fighters, almost as much as I loved sex, but flying fighters was dangerous work. We averaged about one crash a month when I was working as an instructor pilot teaching new fighter pilots. You might think that sex and relationships are not as complicated and dangerous as flying a fighter. Think again. At least when you die in a fighter, it’s quick.

How you create your sex /love life has a direct bearing on every other aspect of your life. A 2016 study,  Is sex good for your health?,  indicates that those who have satisfying and fulfilling love life perform better in every area, are healthier and live longer than those who do not. For me, personally, I find that the more connected sex I have, the more creative I am in everything I do.

Those living unconnected, unfulfilled love lives are more likely to encounter illnesses, both physical and emotional. Sex can be a very important part in maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

In the 2016 study, Relationships among marrieds, sexual satisfaction, marital quality and marital instability, men were asked if they thought they were good lovers. Eighty-five percent of them ranked themselves as “good” to “great” lovers. When their women partners were asked what they thought about their men being good lovers, only fifteen percent of the women agreed with their men.

This tells us two things about men as lovers. First, men really believe they’re good at lovemaking, which means they don’t know what they don’t know, and therefore have no motivation to change or learn something different. Second, their women partners must not have been telling them the truth. Then there are some women who’ve only had one or a limited number of lovers and have never had good sex so don’t know what they’re missing.

Perhaps women don’t want to bruise men’s fragile egos. But for whatever reason, the woman often doesn’t tell the man that she’s not getting what she wants and needs, so he goes on thinking he’s a great lover, and she remains dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

As I began to study and research about having extraordinary sex, I found many similarities between what it takes to be a great lover and what it takes to be a top-gun fighter pilot.

For example, when I was upgrading to a new airplane, or one that was different from the one I had been flying before, I had weeks of special classes that taught me every aspect of how the airplane was put together, how each system worked, and how those systems interfaced with each other. After learning about the airplane, there were classes on procedures and tactics plus hours of simulator training. When the academic phase had reached a certain level, we began to practice these lessons in the airplane, starting with an instructor. Once the instructor felt we were competent enough, we were allowed to do it solo—that is, alone—without supervision.

It was fun and exciting to take those high-performance airplanes and get them to do the things we wanted. Practicing air-to-air combat, dogfighting, was as thrilling as you can imagine. We used to kid each other, saying that the only thing better than flying fighters was having great sex. Having a fulfilling, loving, sexual relationship is the only thing I’ve found that surpasses the thrill of flying fighters.

What if we had that kind of training for love, sex and relationship? Read on.

From ordinary sex to amazing sex

I used to think that good sex would happen naturally, especially if I was in love. Anybody can have sex, but having great sex takes study, training, and practice. There might be Sex Ed in schools, but what isn’t taught is how to be a great partner and a great lover.

Basic sex, the kind that usually isn’t magical, may be instinctive, unlike flying where there isn’t much that’s natural or instinctive. Everything in flying has to be learned and practiced. Being a great lover also has to be learned and practiced, and like being a great pilot, takes a willingness, courage, and commitment to learn.

To be a great lover means you have to know how your body works and know how your partner’s body works, and how they interface. There’s more to this than recognizing the obvious body parts. For example, women have a different brain structure than men that allows them to switch from left-to-right brain more easily than men. Women’s hormone system is very different from the hormones system in men and provides a whole different set of challenges. All this plays a significant role in our love life, particularly in our sex life.

These gender differences are so basic and so important that Judith and I wrote a book about it, called “So THAT’S Why They Do That! Men, Women, and Their Hormones.” It reveals the ABCs of how men’s and women’s hormones and brains drive their behavior, thoughts and feelings. When you understand why gender conflicts arise and have the tools to communicate to resolve them, you can achieve the harmony and joy you deserve. If you are committed to having a great love life, I strongly recommend you read this book.

Then there’s Sex Magick.

What is that, you ask?

As you may know, thoughts have energy, and what you think about is what you tend to create. The more you think about something, the more energy that thought has, the more you act on it, and the higher the possibility that what you are thinking of will actually show up in your life.

I’m sure you are aware of sexual energy, starting with puberty. You feel it as you get turned on, and it builds as you make love and your passion grows. Very few people, however, consciously use their sexual energy.

Sexual magick harnesses the power of your orgasmic energy and combines it with your thoughts of what you desire. When you think of what it is you want to manifest at or around the time of orgasm, it’s like adding booster rockets to your thoughts. When you add the power of the two of you holding the same thought, just after orgasm, magic can happen. For example: closer relationship, radiant health, financial abundance, a new home, career success, a child. On a more altruistic level: peace and harmony, unity in a divisive world, healing for loved ones, social justice, or anything that is dear to your heart.

More about this when we talk about After-Play in the steps of partner sex

The Four Steps

Let’s revisit how flying a fighter may be a good analogy to having a great sexual experience. When we flew a mission, there were four stages:

1. Planning and pre-flight;
2. Take-off and flight to mission area;
3. The mission, and;
4. Return to base and debrief.

Planning involved studying all the elements necessary to accomplish the mission and briefing the pilots. Pre-flight is making sure the airplane is ready to fly.

Flight to the mission area may require specific routing and formation techniques, as well as navigation frequency and air traffic control frequencies.

All pilots take care to watch for other aircraft. If you haven’t been properly briefed, you may not know where to go and what to do.

Once you get to the mission area, you need the skills necessary to complete the mission under what might be difficult circumstances, like somebody shooting at you.

Returning to base is self-explanatory. Once you’re back on the ground, debriefing is extremely important so that you can learn whether the objectives were accomplished. Also, each pilot’s performance is evaluated, and if mistakes were made, they’re analyzed to help that pilot improve their skills.

Similarly, I’ve identified four stages or steps of partner sex.

As in the flight mission, each step in partner sex plays a vital role, and each one is just as important as the other. If you follow these steps, you’ll greatly increase your chances of having a magical and transcendent sexual experience.

These Steps are:

1. Pre-Play
2. Fore-Play
3. The-Play
4. After-Play

In the 1950s, the research team of Masters and Johnson did pioneering work in the area of human sexual response that paved the way for the “sexual revolution” along with the availability of birth control for women. Masters and Johnson were the first to identify four phases of human sexual response.

The phases are:

1. The excitement phase of initial arousal
2. The plateau phase, at full arousal but not yet at orgasm
3. Orgasm
4. The resolution phase, after orgasm

I’ll discuss each of these and show you how they fit into the four steps I’ve identified.

But before we get to that, let’s consider a few other elements that will help you taxi to the takeoff position.

Envision Your Love Life

Have you ever given serious thought to the kind of love life you’d like?

What would it take for you to have the magical kind of sex life you want?

Have you discussed it with your partner?

If you want this to work for you, you have to approach it with the same drive and motivation as a top gun fighter pilot. This book has all the procedures and techniques you will need such as how to have fun in Pre-Play, detailed Fore-Play suggestions, and how to get the most out of The-Play and After-Play, to name a few. Study them like a pro and practice those techniques with your partner every chance you get.

Some practices may feel uncomfortable and clumsy at first, but like learning to serve a tennis ball or hit a tee shot on the golf course, it takes training and practice. Let me tell you, I felt really clumsy and a little scared on my first attempt to fly an airplane, to say nothing of my first attempts at partner sex. All this discomfort is only because it’s new to you and that’s why you and your partner have to be in this together.

Approach this as a learning experiment with promising new experiences that will lead to the greatest sex of your life. When you and your partner are willing to practice all these new things until you get pretty good at them… then really good at them… and eventually master them, your life will change forever.

And there is nothing more fun to master than magical sex.

Ideally, reading this book with your lover might be a good way to cover the necessary topics with minimum embarrassment and maximum impact.

Even if you’re flying solo, having this knowledge and these skills will go a long way toward building a great relationship when you meet the one you want.

Sex as a Practice

Once you learn the techniques, you need to practice.

There are two forms of practice. The first reason that you practice is because you want to get better at whatever you’re practicing. And you also enjoy the practice. For example, you practice a golf swing by hitting golf balls, which can improve your stroke and be a lot of fun at the same time. Or you play the piano or guitar for the same reasons. This also applies to sex.

The second form of practice is spiritual. If you play golf, or guitar or cook or do something you love, you might sometimes feel like you’re in the “zone.” If you pray or meditate, you raise your consciousness and your ability to be present, mindful. A conscious sexual practice can be both meditative and spiritual, not to mention it’s a lot of fun and feels great. If you’ve ever said, “Oh God, I’m coming,” you know you were having a spiritual experience. Magical sex connects me to my partner and takes me beyond just this physical plane and into a dimension of transcendence.

What’s important?

I remembered all the times I neglected the joy of my relationship in favor of work or a hobby. Even today, my biggest obstacles are stress and fatigue. If I work too hard, there’s no energy for sexual pleasure and re-creation. I have to ask myself, “Where are my priorities?” Am I neglecting the things that will actually benefit me the most? It was important to me to set aside time for my relationship. Not just the sex, but time to us to be together and play and enjoy exploring things in nature. Doing those things made my life so much richer. There’s much more on this in the next chapter.

Adding in sexual energy kept the fire burning, or at least smoldering. If you want to be sexy, act sexy. That doesn’t mean act like a porn performer; it just means keep sex in your thoughts and interactions with your partner. Do only the specific sex acts that you’re both comfortable with, intrigued by, excited about. Same with the sex magick. If any specific thing in this book activates a Red Light in her, or in you (the man) for that matter, then set it aside without shame or disappointment.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Reader Reviews

The Only Book You Really Need on Sex

Short. Direct. Clear. Comprehensive. Transformative. If you were only going to read one book on sex, this should be it.

Magical Sex contains everything from anatomical basics to ecstatic transcendence with deep communication and loving relationship as the keys to unlock it all. This is a candid, practical manual with techniques, exercises, how to ask, what to say and what’s possible all spelled out.

Frank and Judith hold nothing back. Whether you’re a newbie in the early stages of sexual exploration, in a long term relationship looking to reignite the flame, or a ripened senior wondering what’s left, they address it all.

And while this book speaks to people of all ages, genders and relationship status, I think it will speak most powerfully to men. Frank was a fighter pilot – a top gun — a macho man if ever there was one. He shares how he was able to overcome his cocky (no pun intended) arrogance and find the humility and sensitivity to become a world-class learner and lover. If he can do it, with a willing partner any man can. Ladies, share this with your man and enjoy.

Passion meets practicality (and asks for a bit of privacy, please)

If all you’ve read about sex (that actually tried to be helpful) is the occasional article in Men’s Health or Cosmo, or Sex Ed handouts in school, you still don’t understand sex.

Even if you’ve had a lot of sex —and even if you enjoyed most of it.

Frank and Judith really UNDERSTAND sex in all its gloriously complex simplicity. They manage to explore the complexity in ways that, finally, won’t leave anything to your possibly-confused imagination, while at the same time revealing a couple of fundamental truths about sex that seem obvious once they get there, but which take on much deeper meaning if you understand them in their deeper context.

Spoiler alert! Those truths are:
1. “great sex happens in a great relationship”,
2. “you perform better when you know what’s actually going on”, and
3. “you improve with practice.”
But you really need to read the book to get the deeper context, or these will remain useless platitudes!

Men will find that Frank’s insights about nurturing emotional intimacy are practical and helpful.
Both men and women may find the “what’s actually going on here” part a bit embarrassing, since we don’t talk about this stuff much in a serious way, but it was probably the most helpful part of the book, for me. And what could be more fun to practice than great sex with a trusted, intimate partner?

This book is the best way I know to get started on improving your love life.

EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS!

This book needs to be read by everyone who has sex! I learned so much and I’ve had 3 children! It’s a shame more of the anatomy isn’t taught to us as young adults. My partner and I have been reading this book together and it has opened the lines of communication… easily making it more comfortable to talk about what we want and don’t want. Before reading this book, I actually didn’t know what I wanted! This book taught me what I want and what I don’t want! It has taught me about my own anatomy and why I feel the things I do and why I don’t feel the things I don’t feel, and it has made me feel like I’m normal! All these years I thought I was NOT normal! No one should go through life like that! I’m giving this to all the friends I love for Christmas! They will be forever grateful!

Who knew sex education after 50 would be so fun.

I learned of the book because 2nd Act.TV on Youtube. I found the author very interesting and fascinating that at 87 he was actively enjoying a fun sex life. That alone sparked my curiosity. The book was an easy read. As anything you get what you put anything you study and apply yourself. I am sure many can appreciate reinforcement of things we know and growth for things we don’t. Practice will be fun.

Magical Sex Book lives up to its Monicker!

This book is indeed magical. But not the mystical, unobtainable kind of magic.

It’s magic in its effectiveness as a practical, and user friendly guide to having incredible sex with your partner.

I found in particularly useful in that it offered a road map with the following guideposts

Tactile – how to foster intimacy, desire and attraction throughout the day
Emotional – how to connect beyond the physical
Pragmatic – a real world guide, with 4 key focus areas, that can easily be incorporated into your everyday life
Biological – the effective difference between men and women, and how that informs various stages of sex and intimacy
Philosophical – the mind set and intrinsic value of connecting to your partner on this level

This book teaches that while mind-blowing sex may be the desired destination, magical sex is an extension of having a magical relationship that will enhance every area of your life. Highly recommend !

A powerful guide to sexual and whole relationship intimacy

I’m in the beginning stage of a romantic relationship and I shared excerpts from Pre-Play and other early chapters with my girlfriend before we became intimate. In effect, this little book became part of our courtship.

Her responses say it all: “I can just imagine how powerful it is – it’s beautiful” (on the holy trinity of you, her, and the relationship that “leads to transcendence,” Chapter 4); “We can do this, I love that too” (on communication, being non-judgmental, creating safe spaces and “journeying into each other’s world,” Chapter 4); “This is amazing and so thankful for sending – now I want to try it” (on connection, sexual magic, and combining orgasmic energy with “thoughts of what you desire…and want to manifest,” Chapter 1).

Anyone with an open mind will find passages from this book that strike a chord – that inform and guide the reader to higher levels of intimacy and magical sex. I highly recommend it.

The Operations Manual for Truly Magical Sex

This book is written in an engaging manner that is easy to follow along with. There are tasteful anecdotes, very clear, simple step-by-step instructions, and even diagrams. This book helped me gain insight into some of the challenges men may face when entering into new relationships—sexual and otherwise. When I have a new partner, I will give him this book to read so we can start off with great communication in and out of the bedroom.

Editorial Review

“[The] author strikes that right balance of instruction and energy that’s missing in so many other books and seminars Combining the methods of turning sex into a spiritual connection leads the reader right to the treasure of learning what’s missing, and the authors provide action steps to solve disconnection problems. [The author gives] equal time for male and female points of view, plus inclusion making readers of all gender identities feel addressed. The sex after 50 section is a standout. Impressively, well done.” Judge, 9th Annual Writer’s Digest Self-Published E-Book Awards.

“Regardless of your age or time you’ve spent with your partner, The Magical Sex Book is a must for all couples. Not only will it guarantee a better sex life, it will also help you deepen your understanding of your own needs and your partner’s desires. Well-written, helpful and engaging, it comes highly recommended.” Chick Lit Café.

“The Magical Sex Book is a masterpiece. We cannot deny that sex is a huge part of our lives as humans and people destined to procreate. It is to be enjoyed and not endured. The first step to having this enjoyable sexual relationship with your partner would be to read this book. It promises to be worth every penny.
Based on my love for this book and all that it stands for and is set to achieve, I rate this book 4 out of 4 stars.” OnLineBookClub – Ify Babe

The Magical Sex Book. Indeed it is. The instructional writing is very direct and concise, at the same time being sensitive to all of the nuances of the sexual experience.
The book is certainly comprehensive, not missing a beat in the life-long learning process that great sex demands. There’s so much to learn but the book gives the reader many fast tracks for success. There are highly informed insights into what works and doesn’t.
This book is especially important for men, and it would be an especially sexually rewarding gift to a husband or lover. I guarantee that orgasms will be rediscovered at a whole new level for both partners. Beck Peacock: Author: Learning to Leave: A Woman’s Guide
Director: Petals: Vagina Dialogues

Not just another fluffy spiritual sex testimonial! Magical Sex is a rambunctious romp into how to set the stage (Pre-Play), engage in the necessary prep (Fore-Play), find playful ecstatic sex (The-Play), and delight in lasting bliss in bed and beyond (After-Play). Written in an easy-to-access voice, this book relies on the wisdom and humor of a real Top Gun fighter pilot and knowledge and experience of a seasoned relationship counselor. Plus, the authenticity of an older couple who have discovered the secrets to living from their passion while defying aging. This book is a practical map to intimacy that incorporates the body/mind/spirit to heights that we all deserve to visit every time we unite with our partner. Patti Britton, PhD, Clinical Sexologist, author of The Art of Sex Coaching: DrPattiBritton.com or SexCoachU.com

Many relationships go into a rut after the first couple of years as partners began to take things for granted, particularly their sex life. Studies have shown that this is often a precursor to other unsavory situation that may eventually lead to breakup. Therefore, the importance of this eye-opening book written by Frank Wiegers and his wife can never be overemphasized.
The Magical Sex Book is a great book that touches on every aspect of sex and love making, in an unprecedented way. One of the several lines in the book I found interesting goes thus “…anybody can have sex, but having great sex takes study, training, and practice”. Also, the book clarified that having a great love life is directly proportional to enjoying a magical sexual experience, which equally leads to increased productivity, good health and longevity.
It emphasized about 4 steps toward enjoying a deeply satisfying sex, i.e. Pre-Play, Fore-Play, The-Play and After-Play, as well as the need to maintain connection and communication for specific age brackets. This book is relatively small at just 163 pages, yet it is all encompassing and absolutely fulfilling both from the male and female perspective—a must have for all adults! Mary Jane Anderson ILoveUniqueBooks.com

The Magical Sex Book is an inspiring instructional for anyone desiring intimacy that positively enhances their relationship and life. Appropriate for all ages, this book provides valuable lovemaking techniques that benefit young (and young-at-heart) lovers, vital hormone information to assist older beloveds, and sex magic techniques that create the connected and transformative intimacy we all crave. Very well-written in a down-to-earth (and often humorous) style, this joyful read offers deep wisdom, tried-and-true technologies, and new ways to dazzle your partner and delight in your relationship. Meloney Hudson: Author, Sexy, Spirited and Strong: Becoming a Positive Energy Woman PositiveEnergyWoman.com

CONTENTS

 

INTRODUCTION		IX
IMPORTANT NOTE		XV
1.	TESTOSTERONE: THE BIG T	17
2.	ESTROGEN: WOMEN’S WEATHER	61
3.	OXYTOCIN: LOVE IN THE SUN	93
ALL WEATHER OPERATIONS		126
4.	PREGNANCY, POSTPARTUM AND MOTHERHOOD	129
5.	ANDROPAUSE: MEN’S CLIMATE CHANGE	177
6.	MENOPAUSE: WOMEN’S CLIMATE CHANGE	211
APPENDIX 1: MORE ON ANDROPAUSE		275
APPENDIX 2: WEATHER PROTECTION FOR WOMEN		287
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS		327
INDEX		331
ABOUT THE AUTHORS		349
CONTACT US		351

INTRODUCTION

My husband, Frank Wiegers, and I believe that creating a loving, fulfilling relationship that includes great sex is one of the most important things you can do in your life. It can also be one of the most challenging. The inspiration behind So THAT’S Why They Do That! Men, Women And Their Hormones is to help you achieve that treasured goal.

I’ve been a personal, career and relationship counselor in Los Angeles for 37 years. During that time, I have had ample opportunity to observe how important it is forpeople to understand how sex hormones shape the different approaches men and women have to just about everything—from making love, to communicating, to handling stress, to dealing with conflicts. Failure to grasp the underlying biology and psychology of the sexes creates confusion at best and war at worst. Conversely, I’ve seen how learning what makes the sexes tick vastly improves dating, finding a mate, creating a committed relationship and keeping a marriage healthy and joyful.

Although the book’s slant is on love and sex, it also sheds light on, and helps improve other important personal relationships—those with our parents, siblings, children, and friends. In the workplace, it increases our understanding of our seniors, juniors, co-workers and clients. I wish I’d had this information when I was 18.

In dating and couples counseling, I often find my clients blaming their partners for behaviors that are particular to the hormonal makeup of their partner’s sex. For example, this conflict brought to you courtesy of Mother Nature: “He never wants to talk about our problems, which leaves me anxious or angry” vs. “She always want to process everything, especially before we go to sleep, which stresses me out.” Like the myriad of other problems confronting couples, resolving this one requires understanding and compromise. That in turn begins with realizing that your partner is not flawed, but hormonally programmed to have different needs, abilities and reactions than you. This is equally true for gay couples, because one partner tends to be more masculine and the other more feminine.

My clients range in age from their late teens to well into their 70s, so I get to work with upset men and women in every phase of life. The huge hormonal changes that occur in pregnancy and postpartum, menopause and andropause can create significant physical, emotional and sexual problems that try both the person undergoing the change and their partner. Relationships can get rocky, just when a team effort is needed the most. It’s hard to get in sync and heal anything if you don’t really know what’s going on.

So THAT’S Why They Do That! is dedicated to demystifying the motives and actions of the opposite sex, as well as your own, in all the stages of your life. The aim is to increase your tolerance and appreciation of the natural differences between men and women, which leads to greater cooperation, love and harmony.

HOW THIS BOOK IS WRITTEN

So THAT’S Why They Do That! is the first of a series of books my husband and I are writing. Frank is a former fighter pilot turned love, sex and relationship coach. Together we teamed up to form “Top Gun Love” as a means of sharing our two lifetimes worth of experience and knowledge with couples and singles. Using the “Top Gun” analogy, we decided to create our books as manuals, much like the ones Frank used to operate jet aircraft, and to write them from a fighter pilot’s perspective.

Our intention is to make all “Top Gun Love” manuals user-friendly to men while still being wholly engaging to women. It’s turned out to be a successful strategy. Guys have read So THAT’S Why They Do That! and eagerly shared it with their girlfriends or partners. Women have felt relieved to have something they can show to their men that speaks for them. The ladies also enthusiastically shared it with girlfriends, family and reading groups.

The first and biggest section in any jet fighter manual is Descriptions and Operations, which gives the nitty-gritty details about every piece of equipment on the plane and how they interact. Pilots have to know this section backwards and forwards before flying. Likewise, there’s nothing more basic to male and female behavior than the sex hormones that produce human traits, drives and differences. Learning how these hormones work gives you the understanding and tools to pilot your sex and relationship life through sunny and turbulent skies.

We also use our own versions of other conventions in the fighter pilot’s manual.

CHECKLISTS

A checklist covers almost every phase of flight; it is a list of tasks that have to be performed in a certain order to ensure that the airplane is operated safely. Our “checklists” refer to lists and exercises.

NOTES, CAUTIONS, WARNINGS

These are the special annotations flight manuals use to highlight important bits of information and to emphasize the increasingly dangerous consequences of not rigorously following operating procedures and processes. Ours underscore the critical “dos” and “don’ts” of relationships.

Another fun feature is Frank’s Air Force anecdotes and personal comments. They are indicated with “quotes” around them. So, although I wrote most of this book while he’s been focusing on our next one, Surefire Sizzling Sex, it’s going to read, by design, as if he wrote it. He also created the graphs and charts and his invaluable insights inform the entire book.

Frank and I hope you begin using So THAT’S Why They Do That! immediately as a reference book, turning to it as life happens and thorny gender-related issues arise. We also hope that your new understanding of the fundamental male/female differences shifts the way you interact with the opposite sex, eliminates problems before they happen, and creates sizzling sex and wonderful, lasting relationships. May you have smooth flights and happy landings!

CHAPTER ONE

TESTOSTERONE: THE BIG T

“Fighter pilots are driven by testosterone. Every guy in the squadron thinks he is the Alpha male and the competition is non-stop. Who has the best gunnery scores? Who flies the best formation? Who is the smoothest flight lead? And who wins at darts in the lounge? Not all guys are so driven by their testosterone, however many do have the same tendencies whether it comes to their professional or their personal lives.”

Testosterone, or the Big T as it is affectionately called, is the hormone that makes a man a man and is the basic reason why men can seem like alien creatures to women. And vice versa. When we understand what it does, we can compare it to our lover’s hormones and see how the differences produce all those conflicts that drive us crazy and all those charms that keep us coming back for more.

Hormones play a decisive role in who and what we are, how we see the world and how we relate to each other. Amongst other things, our bodies produce these super fuels to help create growth, break down food for digestion and absorption, and most importantly, determine and shape our masculinity and femininity.

MAKING A BOY

Despite a long history of husbands blaming their wives for not producing male heirs, it turns out that it’s the sex chromosomes in men’s sperm that determine their child’s sex.

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NOTE » ALL UNFERTILIZED EGGS CARRY AN X CHROMOSOME. EACH SPERM CARRIES EITHER AN X (FEMALE) OR A Y (MALE) CHROMOSOME.

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If the Y fertilizes the egg, presto! It’s a boy. The XY chromosome develops the embryo’s male sex organs, which in turn release the T (testosterone) that shapes its masculinity. Likewise, if the X fertilizes the egg, you’ve got a girl. Her XX chromosome grows the female sex organs that release the estrogen that forms her femininity.

Let’s say the Y sperm triumphs. After his sixth week, the boy’s tiny testicles begin forming. They may be small, but they are mighty, going into overdrive and flooding his brain and body with testosterone. By his 16th week, he is producing as much T as he will as an adult. By his 24th week his T drops to the same amount he will have at early puberty.

What is all his testosterone doing? Building and destroying. All embryos are originally female. It takes focused and intensive work to transform that girl into a boy and T is the agent that makes it happen. Firstly, testosterone constructs the boy fetus’ body, brain and the important brain circuits that run how males think, feel and act. It also gets to work, along with another male hormone, MIS, to aggressively wipe out the female reproductive organs and inhibit brain circuits for feminine conduct. While cells in the communication area are destroyed and observation and emotional processing centers shrink, more cells in the sex and aggression centers are produced.

Some interesting questions to ponder are: What are the unconscious effects of that metamorphosis? Could all that effort to become a male make men innately resistant to feminizing influences? Is that why little boys generally agree that certain toys and games are for girls and reject them? Or make guys resist seeing “chick” flicks? Are they dismissing their lovers’ suggestions to protect their manliness? Does anything feminine decrease their rank in the Alpha Male hierarchy? Or all of the above? Whatever the answers, Nature programmed males to adamantly create their masculinity.

All through his first year, our baby boy is energetically manufacturing those huge amounts of T to develop his male brain and male traits. Nature’s primary directive is survival of the species and testosterone is programming these little men to do their part.

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NOTE» MEN HAVE THE BIOLOGICAL MISSION TO PROPAGATE, PROTECT AND PROVIDE.

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MAKING A MAN

Raging hormones mark the leap into manhood. Testosterone shoots up, so to speak, increasing ten times or more in puberty. As hormones surge again, penises grow, voices deepen, guys bulk up and start to shave. The sex circuits in their brain grow more than two times the size of a girl’s. Overnight, females (or other males if they’re gay) become intense objects of desire. Throughout men’s lives, testosterone helps them get hard and produce sperm. It also contributes to the frequency and duration of their erections.

Both men and women need testosterone to maintain strength, mental and physical energy, bone density and muscle mass, and sex drive. But men have ten to one-hundred times more T circulating in their blood stream than ladies have in theirs, so guys often have a bigger sex drive and larger bodies, muscles and organs. Higher levels of testosterone are also linked to:

• Wanting more sex.
• Being more competitive.
• Thinking in a more systemized way.
• Being more dominant.
• Being more aggressive.
• Taking more risks.
• Being more independent.
• Being more singularly focused.
• Being more action-oriented and less verbal.
• Having increased spatial and mechanical abilities.

Testosterone increases the overall sense of well-being and self-esteem. Low levels are linked to listlessness, depression and impotence.

BOYS WILL BE BOYS

When women don’t understand that “boys will be boys” they may want their men to want less sex and be less competitive, aggressive, dominant, risk-taking, and independent, etc. In other words, more like a woman, more like them. On the other hand, men might want women to see things more the way they do. These impractical wishes are probably the biggest underlying cause for the conflicts we see in couple’s counseling. The sexes are simply not designed to work the same way.

 TESTOSTERONE AND SEX

Have you heard the jokes about men’s English?

May I have this dance? =
I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? =
I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? =
I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage =
I want to fondle you.

What’s wrong? =
I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I love you = Let’s have sex now!

Sounds right to us. Unlike their lovers, guys are always thinking about sex and on the alert for sexual opportunities. The big T is the sex and aggression hormone for both sexes, but males’ vastly higher amounts keep them focused on it. First of all, men create about 150 million sperm every day that are screaming to get out—and in and out and—never mind. Plus, testosterone is released into their bloodstreams every 17-60 seconds, fueling them with desire. What’s a guy to do?

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NOTE » WOMEN GENERALLY THINK ABOUT SEX ONLY ONCE A DAY, OR WHEN THEY’RE HOTTEST, THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY.

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Their continual testosterone drip keeps men hungry for more. Foreplay to a male is a woman saying “yes.” Built to inseminate as many women as possible to preserve humanity, they’re armed and ready for action at the slightest provocation. That’s why males are instinctively and obsessively on the lookout, especially for younger, potentially fertile females. Mentally undressing and fantasizing about the fair sex keeps their T going and thus, prepared. However, as beneficial as ogling other women might be to your sex drive, your lover could be turned off by it.

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NOTE » TO PREVENT HER FROM BEING INSULTED OR PISSED OFF, DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO CONCENTRATE ON HER WHEN YOU’RE TOGETHER.

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“Doing exciting manly things also produces a flood of T. I can’t tell you how many times I came back from an intense combat mission with an erection.”

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NOTE » FEMALES MAY NOT REALIZE THAT NATURE ENDOWED MALES WITH A NONSTOP DESIRE FOR SEX TO GUARANTEE SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES, AND THUS MAY SEE IT AS A CHARACTER FLAW.

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They can especially perceive it that way if you’re unfaithful or push sex with them when you haven’t taken the trouble to turn them on.

MORNING WOOD

Rise and shine and morning wood! Men are ready for sex the moment they wake up because their T levels are highest in the morning. Lucky is the man whose lover is also hot in the morning. You might not be him. Your partner could be like most women and not want you for breakfast. While some females might prefer you for lunch, many are lunar lovers, who are turned on in the evening when you’re tired and ready to go to sleep. Oh well, you’ll manage somehow.

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Reviews

“Nobody in recent memory has written the ABCs and XYZs on the connection between sex, relationships and human hormones more satisfyingly than married couple Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers. They demystify famously bumpy terrain (fertility, menopause, testosterone, sexual communication to name a few) by crafting a clear and comprehensive 21st Century roadmap for the genders. If there is one book to solve World Peace by enlightening couples about their bodies, and solving in and out of the bedroom disputes around the globe, it’s So THAT’S Why They Do That! Happy landings, indeed!” – Xaque Gruber, Huffington Post

Exceptionally well informed and informative, “So THAT’S Why They Do That! Men, Women And Their Hormones” is impressively organized and presented, and very highly recommended for the non-specialist general reader seeking to understand the basic and vital role hormones play in human behavior in general, and their own lives and relationships in particular – Midwest Book Review

Peer Reviews

“So THAT’S Why They Do That is an owner’s manual for the human body that reveals how to master your hormones throughout your life to increase romance and happiness. It’s the perfect “how to” book for men and women. It’s a kick for everyone.” – Paul J. Zak, Professor of Economics, Management and Psychology at Claremont Graduate University, Author of The Moral Molecule: The Source Of Love And Prosperity

“Finally, a user’s manual for the opposite sex—and to better understanding yourself when it comes to love and lovemaking. This book distills the wisdom of modern research and practical experience into simple but profound guidelines that will enhance your understanding of the interpersonal dynamics that affect each one of us every day of our lives.” – Jenny Wade, Researcher and Author of Transcendent Sex: When Lovemaking Opens the Veil

Reader Reviews

Judith Claire’s book is well written and informative! It would be of tremendous help to anyone trying to understand male/female behavior, as well as writers and screenwriters who are trying to further dimensionalize their characters’ “behavior.” – Linda Seger, Author, Script Consultant, and International Speaker.

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised how easily this read. Makes understanding hormones and some basic physical differences between men and women much easier to understand.

Menopause as a subject needs to have much more light shone upon it. Not only for the women but also for their husbands who ,ay feel they have lost their wife to some unknown person that now occupies her body. A good read. – Jay Gibson

This book really helped me understand my wife of 17 years. She and I have had a hard year and this helped shed light on what we both are going through in our stage of life and our relationship. I liked how it was easy to read, with important as well as interesting information about the changes our bodies, including me, are going through whether we like or not! – Marc D. Barnes

 The authors have clearly put in alot of research on the topic of male and female differences arising from hormones, and they present it with such ease, clarity, and humor. It’s really eye-opening to re-discover things we’ve all seen and experienced in relationships (romantic, professional, etc) and gain more insight. – Julia O

 Kudos to the authors for bringing to readers a very important and informative book. They use a very creative and excellent format which helps the reader to easily comprehend the material presented. Their book has something for everyone regardless of age or sex. It would be a valuable text for college students studying psychology and human sexuality. Read this book!! – Sandra Behar

This is a an amazing book. If you ever want to know how and why men and woman do the things they do, read this book. I will also greatly enhance your sex life and communication with your partner. A must read! – Peter Shermet/Shane Health Resources Inc.

Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers have hit the nail on the head with this book. They’ve shared scientific and social research that explains SO much not only about why men and women struggle to get along sometimes, but also what to DO about it. Very well written, powerful, potent content and plenty of laughs, I just love every page of this book and I’m recommending it highly to my matchmaking and dating coaching clients and to couples who are in relationship, learning how to keep the flame of love alive and burning brightly – Julie Ferman, Master of Matchmaking, Los Angeles

This wonderful book is clear, informative, and very, very fun to read. It demystifies the sometimes baffling changes we all go through, and helps point the way toward equilibrium and better all-around health. Read it! – Rod

We all deserve great sex and great love. So believe happily married relationship experts Judith Claire and Frank Weigers. But how do we achieve our goal? Weigers draws on his understanding as a former fighter pilot. First you have to understand the machine. Memorize the flight manual! Learn the rules! Take a test! So, this love treatise is a discussion of the hormones which govern much of our behavior. Comprehend the effects of testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, at various life stages, and your partner’s behavior, moods, emotions, psychology become easier to work with. We all love the euphoria that comes with the first blush of romance. This book assumes that the young man, high on T and ready to penetrate, also has the good sense to want a marriage and fatherhood of enduring love. So it’s important for the young man to understand menstruation, pregnancy, nursing, menopause. It’s necessary for the young woman to understand the man’s hormonal responses to team sports. Be sure to root for his team, even if the game has no meaning for you. Sounds simple, yet we have not before seen this material codified in a such user friendly format. The sections on love after menopause and andropause are useful, too, though they could be expanded. The perspective of the macho bombardier turned eager courtly lover makes this a must read even for lovers and spouses who are already doing well. We can always do better. – Amazon Customer