Smart Dating

Dating can be a real challenge for a lot of singles. There is a science to dating that can make the experience more enjoyable and most of all more productive. Here are some powerful tips that will streamline the process.

  1. Why are you dating? To have fun or to find a mate? Very different strategies for one or the other. If you are just dating for fun, finding a friend or a companion or maybe a friend with benefits still takes some planning and forethought. You might want to give some thought to the type of person you are looking for. Someone with similar interests or someone totally different. Where will you scout for that person? Are there organizations that cater to those interests? Both parties need to be clear about boundaries, sexual involvement, exclusivity, whether or not to involve children, time commitments, etc. This is a great way to practice being in relationship, without making commitments. A valuable learning laboratory to increase self-awareness of relationship needs. Mini-marriage – results from acting committed and being exclusive before you are ready for a long-term committed relationship, or doing so with someone whom you don’t consider a likely long term partner choice. ‘A one-night stand that never left.’
  2. If you are dating to mate there a number of things to be put in order to make your campaign as successful and efficient as possible. Such as:
    1. Know your personal values and purpose.
    2. Have a vision for yourself and for the relationship?
    3. Know your requirements, needs and wants? Requirements being those non-negotiable things you must have or must not have in the relationship. For example, I could not be with an addictive person and the person I am with must be completely open and honest. My needs are negotiable and both functional and emotional. I want to be with someone who is neat and orderly and who is kind and compassionate.
    4. Have a plan to scout, sort and screen potential partners.
  3. Once you have determined the right venues to search, start meeting people and interview them. Great movie gimmick where the girl would meet a guy and ask him: Are you Gay? Are you married? Do you have a job? Kiss me. If she got the right answers to those questions and he was a good kisser, she would date him. Not a bad plan.
  4. Know that like attracts like in terms of education and socio-economic status, whereas opposites attract hormonally. High testosterone men will be attractive to high estrogen women and vice versa.
  5. Once you have sorted and screened a potential partner, begin to test them with questions about your requirements to see if they are a good match. If you see a red flag, don’t ignore it. It won’t go away. It will probably wind up hurting you in the long run. Even though you may be passionately attracted to this person and the sex is unbelievably great, the relationship can’t last because of a fatal flaw. Save yourself even deeper heartache by ending it as soon as possible.
  6. The challenge is to keep potential long-term partners at an appropriate distance while you are in the process of sorting, screening, and testing. The paradox of long-term committed dating is that you must remain a free agent, staying single and available to find the right partner who is right for you and meets your requirements, in addition to having chemistry.
  7. Some guidelines to keep in mind while dating:
    • Be honest. If you start a relationship with a lie then it may be doomed from the outset. Don’t disclose too much early on. Let the mystery of who you are work some magic.
    • Be authentic. The real you is exactly the person your soul mate is looking for.
    • Let the other person know you are available. Holding back will not keep you from getting hurt; it will only delay the process. Don’t hesitate to show someone you are interested in him or her. Go after them until you find out they are not interested in you.
    • Touch and be as sensual as you can without having sex, until you find out who they really are. Don’t create a bond that will be painful to break.
    • If the other person is not interested, move on. There are plenty of people looking for relationships, and it’s much more fun with someone who is genuinely interested in you.
    • Don’t reach out and then withdraw, and then repeat that process.
    • If you are seeking a relationship, be sure you are ready for one. Have your life in order to the best extent you can.
    • Know what you want and be the chooser

Knowing how the other person’s hormones influence their behavior can also smooth the way. See our book SO THAT’S WHY THEY DO THAT! Men, Women and Their Hormones will help.